


Shattered Hearts

by tessathetesla



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hydra (Marvel), Inhumans (Marvel), Jealousy, Love Triangles, Monsters, Murder, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28210482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tessathetesla/pseuds/tessathetesla
Summary: Phil Coulson lost his left hand, but losing his right hand felt worse. This fic explores what is going on in the minds and hearts of Coulson and May as they split up as friends and partners after the events of Season 2 into Season 3. Coulson feels like he needs to move on after May choosing Andrew over him for a second time. May deals with Andrew breaking up with her, for seemingly no reason after their Maui trip. Two very hurting people end up hurting each other, getting hurt, and dealing with the devastation that comes with love as an Agent of Shield.[Canon-compliant] it follows the plot of Season 3A, but delving into the thoughts, emotions, and mental state of May and Coulson while they are dealing with the events of Season 3.
Relationships: Andrew Garner/Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Rosalind Price
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

Phil Coulson woke up in pain. His left hand screamed, and as he woke, he realized, there was no left hand. He reached over to grab his phone, _Time to get up anyways. I’ll go down to the lab and see if Fitz or Bobbi can do something for this pain._

He half expected to see May going down the corridors of Ragtag base. Coulson was still not used to her not being around, despite it being months. With Simmons being MIA, Fitz with his obsession finding her, and Daisy’s desire to build an inhuman team, Coulson had little time for personal thoughts or feelings. Well, that’s what he told himself every morning. He went to bed with his heart feeling the loneliness that comes with losing his best friend and right hand and woke up with the pain of losing his left.

Phil Coulson was a broken man. And the Director of SHIELD. He steeled himself to go down to the lab, but finds only Bobbi, and not Fitz. He told Bobbi about the pain in his left arm, which she tells him is phantom pain. It will go away, eventually, she says. They both knew rehab sucked. But it was necessarily.

Fitz was nowhere to be found, so Coulson decided to put his focus on the mystery woman they found in Seattle. Daisy and her team was finally able to get an Inhuman before the ATCU did. Coulson did not like another organization going after Inhumans. No one understood them like SHIELD did.

Coulson couldn’t help but be intrigued by her, she had many different pseudonyms and had crossover to several different organizations. Now that he had put a tail on her, he could find out who she really was, who she was working for, and if they were a rival organization or not.

Of course, there was also the issue of Lash, a new Inhuman that was hunting other Inhumans. Both Daisy and Lincoln fought him with everything they had, and could not defeat him. _Always more problems. If May was here, at least I could have talked to her through all this with a bottle of Scotch._ May had always been able to keep Coulson on the right track and focused. With her gone, Coulson was lost.


	2. Andrew and Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May thinks about Andrew and Phil as she takes care of her father in Arizona.

Melinda May watched as her golf ball hung left, “Damn,” Her father laughed in the background. Melinda turned around and gave him a smirk.

“Your turn,”

He laughed and took a swing, it went down the fairway perfectly. “So, have you talked to Andrew?”

Melinda turned her smirk into a frown, “No dad, and I don’t want to talk to him.”

May’s dad didn’t press any further and the two made it back to the condo in Arizona. Melinda did not want to talk about Andrew. She didn’t want to talk about Phil. She didn’t want to talk about SHIELD. Which didn’t leave her much to talk about, which suited her just fine.

May remembered the pain when Andrew very suddenly, didn’t return her calls. Didn’t contact her. They were supposed to go out to dinner, a nice date at a nice restaurant. Melinda had even thought about moving in with Drew.

She had tried for weeks to get through to Andrew, and he had left her hanging. So, she decided to go move in with her dad. Phil had called her a few times, and they had talked. Simmons had gone MIA and it was really hard for Melinda not to drop what she was doing and fly directly to Ragtag base.

But she had ran to Phil and SHIELD too many times. She loved Phil, deeply, immeasurably. But going behind her back to see Andrew for his mental health without telling her hurt more than keeping Alpha protocol a secret. Coulson was good at keeping secrets, and had closed himself off when he became Director. But then again, she had kept secret her spying on him to Fury.

They were just too damned good spies. No wonder none of them got married. With May as an exception, and some of the lower level agents. How she wished she could steer them away from that course, but that wasn’t her business.

Secrets, secrets, secrets. Then the one guy she sleeps with after Andrew ends up being a Nazi. May just didn’t have any luck with men. Not with Andrew, not with Phil, and Ward. Ward, well, she just wanted to kill him, then revive him, and then kill him again.

May shook her head as she finished cutting the vegetables. A knock near the door made her startle. It was Hunter. Ugh of all people to show up at her door. Lance Hunter. Although if it would have been Phil, she might have punched him out.

“Whoa May, it’s just me.”

Hunter and May had a long conversation about Ward and going after him. She knew Hunter was way in over his head, and if she didn’t go with him and he died, she would feel slightly guilty. Besides, she couldn’t do that to Phil, he knew how much he cared about each and every agent under his wing.

_I guess I’m not made for retirement. She just hoped they could kill Ward, and get on with it. And hoped that Andrew and Phil didn’t interfere._


	3. The Surprise Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil Coulson and Andrew argue in the base hallway, as a familiar face approaches them.

Phil Coulson didn’t love the idea of Andrew on base, but he knew Andrew was the only person to be able to understand and help the Inhumans. He didn’t know the circumstances of May and Andrew’s second breakup, and he most definitely didn’t want to pry. That wouldn’t be professional, and if he had found out it was Andrew that broke it off, well, the anger would prevent him from thinking straight.

Andrew and Coulson were talking in the corridor, discussing Simmons as well as Alisha, the Inhuman from Afterlife. In the middle of the slightly heated conversation, they heard the familiar steps of a woman they both knew, very very well. Andrew’s face dropped as Coulson turned around to face her.

“May?” Coulson said, shocked.

“Coulson, Andrew,” May said in clipped tones, “Am I interrupting something?”

May got Coulson up to speed about Hunter’s vendetta to take down Ward, and Coulson’s frustration level went up. He had told the team to give May space, he knew she would come back on her own time.

Coulson also felt bad that May had to see Andrew, as he knew they had gone off on bad terms. All around, it was just a super awkward moment.

Not to mention, Phil and Rosalind had been working together on a couple missions involving the Inhumans, and Phil was beginning to fancy Roz. She was smart, witty, head of a shady organization, as Daisy had put it. It was the perfect time to use his charm, get more information about the ATCU, and maybe have a little fun on the side.

But with May back in the picture, that just complicated Phil’s feelings big time. Not to mention her being back in his office, talking missions, it was like she had never left. He couldn’t believe how natural the two of them felt.

Of course, May had left, and that emptiness was felt, more now because of the hole she filled when she was back in Coulson’s office. Not to mention, she called him Phil, which May hadn’t done since she had left the Ragtag base, six months previous.

Phil realized how much he cared for May, as she stood in that office. Melinda had said it was herself that was the reason that Andrew left. Which meant to imply that May wasn’t capable of a healthy relationships. Phil knew that to be bullshit, and his anger at Andrew began to form.

He had told May straight up that he’d fire Andrew to make sure that she stuck around, if she did decide to stick around. He had missed her. And he could tell that she missed him. The subtle flirting, the smiles. Well, Phil thought, if things don’t work out with Roz, maybe things could work out with May, down the line.

It didn’t help that Daisy clearly didn’t approve of his budding relationship with Roz, it would be harder for her to accept Roz than May, who was already a mentor and a mother figure to her.

Phil shook his head, he had enough things to worry about right now without Daisy, May, and Rosalind in his brain. Women are complicated.


	4. Ward and Andrew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward tries to assassinate Andrew, while Hunter and May try to assassinate Ward.

May had helped Hunter infiltrate Ward’s base, and she had kept to the rafters in order to snipe in, especially if Hunter got made.

Which of course he did, within seconds. May immediately went into action, taking Hydra agent after Hydra agent. Ward, of course, knew it was her and began to banter.

Little did she know how much Ward had creeped into her life once again. When she saw Andrew’s face on the phone, her heart stopped. While her and Andrew still had some issues, she had never stopped caring for him. To see him possibly die because of her, she would never forgive herself.

On comms with Phil, she was able to relay the information. She just hoped he got there in time. After Hunter and May got back to the base, Melinda went immediately to Andrew, who was thankfully alive. Melinda breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t know what future Andrew and her had right now, but he was alive.

Of course, she was furious with Hunter, who took a shot at Ward even with Andrew’s life on the line. Her little tussle in the hallway had gotten the attention of Coulson, who became angry at both Hunter and May. May wanted revenge. Ward had ruined so much, her anger made the blood swim in her eyes like red. Coulson gave her a glare she had never before seen him give her. “Are you back?”

“Yeah, I’m back.” Melinda said, with confidence. She was done hiding, she was done feeling defeated. She felt the heat of battle again, got the taste, and decided to launch in. Her anger at Andrew had turned into anger at Ward, and she was going to do whatever it takes to kill him.


	5. In the Belly of the Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil Coulson decides to act on his feelings toward Rosalind.

Coulson was reaching a crossroads. Either he had to trust Rosalind, or not. He enjoyed being with her, enjoy the flirty banter, but knew he had to keep focused on the job. Daisy had confronted him again about Rosalind, she had the audacity to ask him if he was getting too attached. May would never ask those kind of questions.

So, Coulson lied. He was good at that. Said he learned to not get attached. Sure, he was attracted to Rosalind, and was willing to break it off if she did end up betraying them. But if he was being completely honest with himself, he was getting attached. The biggest weakness that Phillip J. Coulson had, was that he felt. Compassion was a weakness, some said, especially in the espionage industry. But Phil Coulson was one of the most loyal and compassionate people on the planet.

But, he was a good liar, that was for sure. He had hopefully put Daisy at ease, hoped she wouldn’t snoop around too much. Because he did want to earn Roz’s trust. And he wanted Roz to earn his trust.

On the way to her base, they made a detour to Rosalind’s apartment.He was very suspicious of Rosalind’s “break-in” with the apartment looking so new, the baseball bat, and the artwork. The fact that her iMac wasn’t stolen put off red flags in his mind.

She had tried to give him his favorite burger, with fries, and while he was hungry, his distrust of the situation made him very defensive.

And of course, trusting her was even harder when she brought him to her operation. Hiding Inhumans away in a Gel Matrix cube? That had his heartrate spiking. Daisy would want to strangle Rosalind for this. It was all he could do to not pin her to the ground.

Anger started spouting out and Phil wondered outloud if Rosalind was just using him or not. The two had a very heated conversation, with Rosalind having tears in her eyes. Phil wouldn’t fall for it.

But, then, he did. Rosalind opened up about her late husband, the pain evident on her face. Phil had never been married, but he knew what it was like to face heartbreak. He could never go back to Audrey, because she thought he was dead. And May, well May, he didn’t know where they stood. He was just happy she was back. He would rather have her as his best friend and partner, than nothing at all.

But May wasn’t in the right frame of mind either, as she was out for blood. Whether or not she would get herself killed, or come back to SHIELD no matter what happens with Ward, he didn’t know.

He put May out of his mind. He had Rosalind, who was seemingly telling the truth, had basically told him she was attracted to him. He really liked her and she liked him, and if the timing works out, well, maybe he was ready for this. It had been too long.


	6. Monsters in Our Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda May finds out what Andrew actually is, and it tests her feelings toward Andrew.

Melinda May had taken her own Quin-Jet to the Cocoon, the sinking feeling in her gut making her feel like she wanted to throw up.

If what she thought was true, Andrew was Lash, the monster who had been killing Inhumans, and a whole host of other people. He had almost killed Lincoln, Daisy, Mack. While May loved Andrew, her Mama Bear instincts had her raging to think that Andrew nearly killed her agents.

Not to mention that she didn’t know how long Andrew had become Inhuman. Had she slept with a monster in Maui? Did he have that secret then? She shuddered at the thought. All she knew was that the Strucker kid was terrified. Absolutely terrified. Andrew wasn’t someone most people would think of as terrifying. But Lash. Lash was scary.

Melinda steeled herself for what she might see. Would she come into the training room and find Lash standing over Joey’s body? Would she be at risk? She didn’t care, she had to try to save Joey and stop Andrew/Lash.

She arrived in time to see Andrew and Joey standing there, with Andrew hovering over Joey in an intimidating manner. It didn’t take long to convince the agents to get Joey out of there.

May began to yell at Andrew, furious. The threat to Daisy, Lincoln, Joey, Mack, he killed Alisha, and other Inhumans that had posed no threat.

Andrew claimed that he would never hurt Daisy, but he did want to kill Lincoln, on the basis of some darkness in him. _This isn’t Star Wars, Andrew. People don’t have the dark side._ She had wanted to say. Their voices got louder and louder until Andrew pulled an icer on her.

She woke up hours or days later, she didn’t know. She was handcuffed and in what appeared to be an abandoned building. “LET ME GO!” May growled, feeling absolute rage at Andrew as he tried to calm her down.

“You killed all those people!”

Andrew explained it had been instinct. He confirmed it was after Hawaii, which did explain a lot. It made it a bit easier to take in, the break up, the lack of any communication whatsoever.

But what Melinda didn’t expect, is for Andrew to confess his love for her. He still loved her, becoming Inhuman had terrified him, especially once he found out what he was. He wanted to protect her, he said, from this monster inside him.

He reached out to her, calling himself a coward, and asking for her help. His brown eyes, pleading, the pain and fear evident on his face.

Melinda May was in love with a monster.


	7. Love is Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosalind and Phil share a tender moment on the Zephyr, then Phil finds out May is in trouble.

The Zephyr was on its way to meet with the President, where Coulson would serve as a liaison to the ATCU, as they weren’t ready to legitimize SHIELD yet. The tour with Rosalind had ended awkwardly, it appeared that Daisy would need more convincing to trust Roz.

Phil didn’t worry too much, he knew Daisy had a hard time trusting new people. He hoped that if things did work out well with Roz, that Daisy would accept her. Daisy was like a daughter to him, so having her approval meant a lot.

Rosalind didn’t seem too fazed by Daisy’s frustration, she had immediately recognized the relationship between Daisy and Coulson. In a way, Rosalind was sort of like dad’s girlfriend, based on the reaction Daisy gave to her.

Phil stood there trying to put on his tie, but his hand just didn’t work the way he wanted it too. Rosalind offered, and it was the first time they stood so close together. He could smell her faint perfume, it was subtle, but got his heart rate up.

What Phil didn’t know is that Melinda, at that moment, was dealing with the fact that her ex-husband as a monster. He didn’t know the pain she was encountering. If he had, maybe he wouldn’t have pursued things with Rosalind.

Phil felt a bit of guilt as Rosalind finished his tie. Melinda had always been to one to straighten his tie, back when they were on the Bus, back when things felt a lot simpler. But of course, they weren’t simple. Things never were.

Phil had to get over Melinda. She had just dealt with a messy break up with Andrew. Honestly, he was just happy she was talking to him again. He had missed her companionship. But…he also didn’t know how she would react to Roz. I guess in the same way he reacted to Ward and May sleeping together. Simmering anger under the surface.

Here was Rosalind, a woman who liked him. Who he enjoyed being with. Who was a good flirt, a good spy, a good companion. She wasn’t even in the same organization, so things couldn’t get as messy. He had hoped at least.

Of course, as soon as they were about to meet the President, he had found out that May had been taken. By Andrew. Who was Lash. Lincoln wasn’t lying. And it meant that May was in great danger. She could be hurt, or worse, dead.

Phil’s emotions were a chaotic swirl. He had just had a tender moment with Rosalind, and now he was fearing for May. Oh he was going to kill Andrew/Lash if he so much laid a finger on Melinda.

What Phil did NOT expect, was to walk into the abandoned building at the university and see Melinda and Andrew kissing. While he was thankful he wasn’t turned into Lash, seeing Andrew and Mel kiss again gave him an emotion he wasn’t expecting.

Jealously.


	8. The Heart that Shatters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda deals with the pain of finding out that Andrew is Lash, and the aftermath of shooting him.

Melinda broke off the kiss, feeling ashamed that Phil had to see that. His jealously and concern could be easily seen from his face. He stayed calm, but she knew inside he had to be churning in fear and anger.

Coulson was doing a good job of talking Andrew down, while she knew the team had to be getting in position. The goal would be to keep the team safe, and hopefully Andrew in the process. But if Andrew turned into Lash again, he could kill Phil, he could kill Lincoln, Mack, and anyone else who was here.

Andrew had spoke to Coulson like he was some sort of judge, deciding which Inhumans were good and bad. That didn’t sound like Andrew at all, he had been the one to try and tell her she wasn’t a bad person after Bahrain, even though she drowned in her own despair.

But here he was, telling Coulson he was fully right in killing Alisha, killing any that got in his way. This was not the man she loved. He had changed. But the moment before, he had been Andrew again. Maybe Lash was trying to take over. Now that he was in danger, the monster instincts were all Andrew knew.

Lincoln came shooting in, right when Coulson seemed to be getting through to Andrew. Then she saw the monster. Lash.

“I AM THE CURE!”

Chaos ensued with Lincoln shooting a huge bolt after Lash, the lights out, Melinda could barely concentrate. Quickly, Coulson shielded her from Lincoln’s blast. She could feel his body around her, protecting her. “Phil…”

“Don’t worry, it’s capture, not kill”

He grabbed her arm, then gave her the keys to her handcuffs. He ran off after Lincoln and May watched him leave.

Whatever happened next, wouldn’t end well for anybody. If they were really lucky, Lash wouldn’t kill anyone. May knew she was the key to talking Lash back down to Andrew.

May ran after and found a gun, took it off a dead agent. She steeled herself. Now she had seen Lash actually kill. She knew that if needed, she could kill him. _It’s just like Bahrain._

She found Andrew about to kill Lincoln and went to him, begged him to stop. She knew Lash could kill her. She never imagined Andrew could be the one. He killed her heart, why not finish the job.

Lash stopped and focused his attention to her. Melinda opened up to Andrew in a way she never had. She had regretted leaving Andrew, all those years ago. Regretted a lot of things, but that most of all.

“I won’t leave you, not this time,” Melinda managed to choke out. The only way this ended well, was for her to hope for Andrew. She would be with him till the end. She wouldn’t leave him to suffer as this thing. He may have killed her heart, but seeing the pain he had in his eyes, there was some humanity left there.

He turned into Andrew again, and she shot him. It was a split second decision, but it got him in the containment module. It was a gut reaction, and realizing she could have killed him there.

But the door closed, and Lash reached his hand out as they sedated him. Coulson reached her in shock. “How did you know that wouldn’t kill him?”

“I didn’t,” May responded, her eyes showing no regret.

Coulson gaped at her, realizing that she had been willing to kill her own ex-husband to save the team.

Melinda stood there staring at Andrew’s unconscious form. She barely heard Rosalind explaining to her how there might be a cure for Andrew.

Could Melinda hope? Could she have Andrew back? It was clear that Andrew loved her. Could she love a monster? Could she love him after all she’s done?

She remembered Daisy’s journey in becoming Inhuman. If she could forgive Daisy, well, she could forgive Andrew. She had asked Daisy’s advice, and despite everything, Daisy said she would do whatever it takes to help Andrew.

Melinda trusted Daisy more than anyone, especially concerning Inhumans. She would have to hope. It hurt, but she could hope. Maybe this cure would work.

For now, she needed time alone. She knew Coulson or Daisy would want to go after her, but she didn’t need their pity right now.

At least, that’s what she kept telling herself as she cried in a small corner of the Zephyr.


	9. The Lies We Tell Ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil Coulson decides to have drinks with Rosalind, leaving Melinda to suffer alone.

“Do you need to go after her?” Rosalind called out, able to see Phil’s concern for his partner.

“No, she wouldn’t want me to, not right now,” Coulson had Bahrain on the brain. While May had let him comfort her in that moment, that vulnerability had make her feel ashamed later on. He had a feeling that why she barely kept in contact after Bahrain.

Between divorcing Andrew and transferring to a desk job, Melinda made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the men in her life when she was facing devastation. She refused their comfort, and Coulson didn’t want to face that again. At least, that’s what he told himself.

Plus, it was clear that Melinda still loved Andrew, and that Andrew still loved Melinda. If there was a chance, however small, for them to get back together, Phil didn’t want to muck up that chance. What if him and May got together and then Andrew was cured? That would be the ultimate betrayal.

No, he had to keep pursuing this relationship with Rosalind. He had seen her almost fall to her death, and Daisy had saved her. The appreciation had made her and Daisy warm up to each other. Now that Daisy and Rosalind were getting along, he could at the very least feeling less guilty about hanging out with Roz.

“Been a long day, buy you a drink?” Rosalind looked over at Phil with a small smile.

He knew Melinda would be cracking open a bottle of Scotch, and going to her bunk on the Zephyr as soon as possible. While he would eventually have a drink with her and discuss what happened with Andrew, it wasn’t the time.

And so, Phil went out with Rosalind, to her favorite bar. They had a good time, had more drinks than he had expected. Thankfully, her apartment was just a block away, and so getting back was easy.

And well, the drinks had been good, the conversation had been better, and one thing lead to another…

Phil Coulson woke up with Rosalind, staring at her eyes with a smile. It had been awhile since he had slept with anyone. As he got dressed she was on the phone with someone, probably one of her many contacts. What Phil didn’t know, it was Gideon Malick, who was with Ward. He gave her another kiss, and the two lovers went out to breakfast.

It wasn’t until he got on base that he realized what he had done. Melinda May had been suffering, having maybe the hardest night of her life since Bahrain, and he had gone out for drinks, and slept with the head of a rival organization. Was that wrong? Did he make a mistake?

Phil shook his head. He was a spy, and director of SHIELD, what he did on his personal time was his business. Besides, if Rosalind didn’t trust him before, she trusted him now.

Rosalind and him met up where they were transferring Andrew into her storage warehouse. Phil felt uncomfortable, seeing Andrew in a box. Were they doing the right thing? Whatever jealous thoughts he had about Andrew, he didn’t deserve this. He was a good man. And treated Melinda right, up until he turned into Lash, of course.

Rosalind put a hand on his shoulder, and rested it there. Mack immediately noticed and gave them a glare. Mack clearly didn’t approve of Rosalind and Coulson, but that’s not his place to say. Mack made Coulson feel guilty again by asking if someone should go comfort May. Mack was obviously hinting to Coulson, knowing some of the history the two had together. May and Coulson had been close friends and partners, and Mack would be the first to go over there if that had been Daisy.

But once again, Coulson had said she needed more time. In all honesty, he couldn’t face May after sleeping with Rosalind. He knew the timing just was wrong. But he did it, and nothing could change the course now. He had to keep going. Had to make sure that Rosalind trusted him. Because he was about to infiltrate her base.

Mack and Coulson made it back to base, and instead of leaving the office after the mission brief, Mack stuck around.

“Why does it feel like you are going to tell me I didn’t make the all-stars?” Coulson replied, realizing Mack always knew more than he let on.

“I know you and Rosalind have been getting closer…and are you…have you been?”

_Oh boy, was it that obvious me and Roz slept together? I mean, Mack is a spy. But still._

“Have you two been sleeping together?”

Guilt. Why did Coulson feel guilt? He told Mack it was none of his business. Then Mack had the courage to insinuate that he slept with Roz just for her to trust him. Playing an angle.

_I mean, yeah I slept with her because I want her to trust me. But I also like her. What’s wrong with doing both? I am a spy, after all. Isn’t this what James Bond does?_

“Do you really think I’m _that_ guy?” Coulson responded, feeling his face go a little red.

Mack wasn’t fully convinced, and also was not happy about the situation. Sure, it wasn’t ideal. But he hoped, really hoped, Rosalind was on the straight and narrow, at least in regards to the Inhumans and the cure they were working on.

“Look, that’s why I’m bringing her here, face to face, to see if she can really be trusted. I’ll give her a tour, while you guys go behind her back and find out if there’s anything we need to know.” Mack responded well to that at least.

Phil tried to keep convincing himself that it was just spy work. You could have flings, you could use your charm to get information. They were actually trained on it.

So why did everyone on base disagree with it? I mean, Hunter did it all the time, so did Bobbi. Why did Phil have to be held to a higher standard?

To make matters more awkward, Daisy confronted him, again. _This day just keeps getting better_ , Coulson thought. He wasn’t used to agents being comfortable enough to delve into his personal life. But then again, this team was more than that. They were a family.

“So why now?” Daisy asked as they finished the debrief.

“Because I think the head of the ATCU finally trusts me.”


	10. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May and Lincoln go on mission together, and May apologies about Andrew.

Melinda May knew then that Phil Coulson had slept with Rosalind Price. The way he stood with her, the way that Coulson kept his space from Melinda. It was clear that Coulson had feelings for Rosalind. She didn’t blame him.

After all, she had left Coulson, left SHIELD, for months. She had broken their partnership, their friendship. She had made clear how she felt about Coulson, but he had constantly been blind to it.

It was good for him to move on. Melinda could still be Coulson’s right hand, unless Roz moves over to SHIELD. But that wasn’t her focus right now. She had guilt. Guilt over what Andrew had done to Lincoln, to his Inhuman friends. That’s why she picked him for the extraction team.

She had to apologize, somehow. Let Lincoln know that she doesn’t blame him for what happened. She also knew how much Lincoln meant to Daisy, and wanted to get to know him better. Especially now that he was becoming an agent.

Silence had permeated the air on the quinjet, and eventually Lincoln just didn’t take it anymore. Finally, May opened up to him.

“I just didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry for Andrew. He killed your friends in cold blood. I should’ve known.”

Lincoln thanked her for doing what was willing to be done. Putting bullets in Andrew to save Lincoln. Melinda was still haunted by that. She had barely slept. Just kept thinking of shooting Andrew. She never would have imagined in a million years, shooting him.

Her feelings were wrapped up in guilt, fear, and pain. But at least she could focus on the mission. And at least Lincoln didn’t hate her. He clearly hated Andrew, or rather, Lash, but that was understandable. She didn’t expect him to forgive Andrew. But she was thankful that Lincoln accepted her apology.


	11. Twists and Turns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finds out if Rosalind is Hydra, and her biting words strike a nerve.

Coulson felt nervousness go over him as Rosalind toured the base. He kept the conversation to light banter, knowing that his team was going behind her back to find out if she was really who she said he was.

He took her to the containment room, and closed it on her. She looked at him confused, was he seducing her? That wasn’t exactly necessarily. Coulson had gotten some information that put her in a negative light. His team had found Inhuman husks and fish oils at the ATCU base, and no sign of Andrew or any other Inhumans in Gel Matrices.

“Phil, you’re gonna have to do a little convincing to have me stay in here,” Roz said as she looked toward the bed.

Instead of the flirty banter, Coulson’s face turned serious. If she was Hydra, Coulson growled internally. Then he would have fallen into the same trap that May did with Ward. His guilt threatened to overwhelm him.

He intimidated Rosalind, yelling at her to stop lying. He had lost enough people to Hydra, and feelings of Ward’s betrayal hit deep. Had he made the same mistake? Did he give Andrew to Hydra?

May would never forgive him. He had trusted Rosalind, slept with her, and now gave May’s former lover to the most evil man in the world.

Rosalind stepped back, yelling back at Phil. This conversation was not going well. Who would break first? “Phil, I thought we had something…”

Phil blasted back, “don’t turn emotional on me,” he replied, closing off his heart. She then responded with “You have no emotions.”

That stopped Phil up quick. He had thought he could protect his heart from such feelings. He was an elite spy, he could sleep with the best of them and not lose a wink of sleep. But that was a bold, outright lie that he told himself. Of course he felt. Of course he did! Why was he feeling overwhelming waves of guilt, betrayal, and pain if he had no emotions?

But he had to move forward, he had to get the truth out. She continued, ripping the knife deeper into his heart. “Or even sadder, you didn’t plan to sleep with me, but stopped trusting me once you did.”

“You lied to me,” Phil shot back. But in his head, he knew that Rosalind was right. He shouldn’t have slept with her, not while things were still raw with May and Andrew. Not while they didn’t know Rosalind well enough. But the drinks, the conversation, the mystery, it had all become too much. “And yes, I did fall for you, but that was your plan, right? I was hoping that I could trust you. But you mentioned Tahiti, how would you know that unless you had SHIELD connections?”

“But…but it was my boss, Malick, who told me.”

The realization hit both of them. Malick was very likely another head of HYDRA

Of course, Phil probably lost all chances of being with Rosalind after that conversation, but for now, they had bigger fish to fry. HYDRA.


	12. Death and Taxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosalind and Phil enjoy a lovely dinner date, before tragedy strikes.

Phil and Rosalind were steadily dating, and they were having a nice, quiet dinner at her place, with their favorite burgers. And wine, of course. The rest of the team mostly accepted Rosalind now, if not a bit standoffish. But at least they knew she wasn’t evil.

There was definitely empathy, as the SHIELD team knew what it was like to be betrayed by Hydra. Of course, Phil couldn’t help but feel the weight of guilt of sending Andrew over to the ATCU, because now HYDRA had Andrew. What they would do with him, they weren’t sure.

And now that they knew there wasn’t a cure for Andrew, there was little chance that May and Andrew would get to have the happy ending they deserved.

But Phil couldn’t do anything about that now. Of course, with FitzSimmons working together again, they could find a cure themselves. They were SHIELDs best and brightest, after all.

Phil and Roz continued to have a nice conversation, smiles abound at being able to be open and honest with each other. None of this “spy craft manipulation” as Roz called it.

Just as the conversation was getting good, a glass shattered sound filled the air.

And then.

Rosalind covered in blood, more shots rang out. Phil dove to the ground, trying to stop the blood as she choked out. Her body dying quickly.

PURE HORROR. Phil had seen a lot of gore and violence in his days at SHIELD, but nothing, nothing like this. The phone rang, he picked it up and heard a voice that filled with him such hatred and rage, that it surprised him.

Ward. Taunting him. He killed Rosalind. Because of revenge. The back and forth of killing and shooting and death. More shots rang out, and Coulson texted for extract. Ward’s minions were coming.

He fought several of them off, pain turned to rage in that moment. The distraction of the explosion made it so he was able to jump down off the apartment. He made it into Mack’s car.

“What about Rosalind?”

“Just drive.”

The team met Phil at Ragtag base. They had known he was spending time with Rosalind, which is why Coulson had Mack be nearby for extract.

What they saw, a broken Director, covered in blood. It didn’t take a spy to realize what had happened. Someone had killed Rosalind. And it didn’t take a genius to find out who it was either.

Ward.

Phil made it up to his office. The adrenaline wearing off, he looked down and saw himself covered in blood. Rosalind’s blood. What began as a nice date, turned into a murder scene. He began tearing his clothes, gnashing his teeth. Eventually he made it to the shower which he stood under for what seemed like hours. Trying to wash away the pain. The blood. The smell.

He made up his mind. He could sit in the shower, drown himself in despair. Or he could do something about it. For the first time in Phil’s life, he HATED.


	13. The Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil interrogates the team on Ward, and delves into deep into what makes Ward tick.

Phil Coulson finally came out of his office, cleaned, with a tablet in hand. He went immediately to May. She could empathize. She knew what it was like to lose someone you love. She had just experienced it with Andrew. A tender moment turned into a horror show.

“I’m so sorry Phil, whatever you need, just ask,” Her heart was heavy. She hated seeing Phil like this. Of course she had been slightly jealous of Rosalind and Phil’s relationship, but it hadn’t fixated on her mind too often. She had been too focused on Andrew to really notice what had gone on with Rosalind.

But the pain, rage, and anger in his eyes frightened her. Coulson was never like that. Sure, he got angry and frustrated. But pure hate seethed from his eyes.

“We need to figure out how Ward thinks. Let’s get all the Bus Kids on this. We’ll have to share every detail, no matter how uncomfortable.”

What May didn’t realize is that Coulson would ask her point blank about her nights with Ward. It put her in an awkward position, but she also knew if this was only way to get Coulson back to his normal self, she would do anything. She didn’t like to see this side of him.

May had shared what she could, but honestly, her and Ward basically just did their thing, and went their separate ways the next morning, or sometimes even that same night. She hated thinking about her and Ward, but sometimes you do have to open that painful door. She also knew that her sleeping with Ward had hurt Coulson deeply. She still didn’t know why she had done it. But nothing to be done now, if she gets another chance to take down Ward, she’ll take it.

At this point, basically everyone on the team, with the exception of Mack, had an axe to grind with Ward. With the whole SHIELD team going after him, he was doing to die. And he was going to suffer for it.

Daisy got out of the interrogation and gave May a look. “He’s hurt, isn’t he?”

“What do you think?” May rolled her eyes.

“I know, but I’ve never seen him like this,” Daisy responded, feeling awful that her father figure was suffering so greatly. Both her father and Coulson now had to face the death of their lovers. Pain followed them always.

“We all want revenge, Daisy,” May replied, herself feeling angry at Ward, and pain for Coulson. “So, have we figured out anything about Ward?”

Daisy sighed, “Yeah, I mean I think we figured out that he feels too much. He’s made all these mistakes, hurt all these people, and he’s trying to make up for it in sick ways. He wants to be a hero, but has no idea how to be one.”

“You know Coulson’s gonna go off grid for this,” May realized, knowing that he wouldn’t let her go with him to the mission. He already lost one important woman in his life, he wasn’t about the lose another.

But what if she lost Coulson in the process? She’d lost Andrew, could she handle losing Coulson?


	14. The Calvary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and May confront their pasts and find they have a new bond.

Phil Coulson made it back home in one piece. He had left his robot hand laying there on Maveth. He thought he would feel relief at killing Ward. Not just killing. Crushing the damn life out of him. Watching him slowly choke and die.

Instead, he saw Ward for what he was. A hurt man, whose only way he knew to interact with others was to hurt them back. He saw Ward as the young cadet he first knew, bright eyed. He knew Ward was HYDRA, killed so many. But even Ward was afraid to die.

And Fitz saw him do it. He saw Fitz give him a look of fear, a look of disappointment as he hugged May. Coulson should have felt relief, a happiness that their enemy was gone. They could breath easy now.

Coulson went to bed that night and could not sleep. He could hear Ward’s choking breath, Rosalind’s choking breath, he grabbed his neck and threw up in the waste basket.

The ghosts were haunting him. As it turns out, taking revenge, hunting down someone, murdering someone, didn’t make you feel good. It made you feel horrible. Coulson had realized his mistake. He had allowed his emotions to take him to the darkest reaches of his soul.

He laughed at himself in despair. Rosalind had once told him he had no emotions. That couldn’t be further from the truth. He finally forced himself to get up, shower, and have some coffee. Time to refocus. Hydra was still out there, and he had to take them out. Being the Director of SHIELD meant he got zero time to recover from anything. He wanted to step down and be a normal agent again. Anything to get away from this pressure. But at least Melinda was back again. It was the only way he was able to tolerate each and every day, knowing she would be there, tea in hand, ready for another day of saving the world.

**Epilogue**

In the weeks that followed, Fitz was able to build him a new hand, one that looked real. Of course, it felt like the others, but at least it looked real.

Melinda and Phil were back in his office, the two back to their comfortable routine of Scotch and discussing missions. Despite everything that happened, May was still May. He kept saying it, but it was like she never left.

He poured the Scotch and handed her a glass. She wanted to feel his hand, he could feel a bit of her hand on his, but not in the same way he would feel on his normal hand. Despite not feeling much, the touch of her hand made his heart swell.

He opened up to her about what happened on Maveth. He thought she would judge him for murdering Ward, but instead, she looked at him with knowing eyes and told him, “No, you joined the calvary.”

The two understood each other now more than ever. They had lost loves, they had both killed out of need for the greater good. They had done what was necessarily, no matter how painful The two of them would always carry the scars of their traumas, but now they could share in them together.

Phil knew that Melinda had his back now. They would always carry some secrets from each other, but they trusted each other in them. And while Phil didn’t know what their future held, he knew no matter what, he wanted Melinda had his side.


End file.
